Situations
by J Bear
Summary: *UPDATED!* Mac gets a wildly odd case while Harm tends to the bullpen due to the Admiral's long overdue holiday.
1. Ch 1

Disclaimer: Same as always, DPB and CBS and Paramount owns just about everything… blah blah blah blah blah. Can we get on with this you say? Of course we can.

Author: Who's kidding who? It's me.

A/N: Nothing really to say except… EXAMS SUCK! And uh… I just went through backstage work at a musical with a buncha dirty minded people so there's gonna be some sexual innuendos in here. 

_Ah… another day at JAG Headquarters._ Harm thought as he passed through the doors and into the busy central network of the HQ or otherwise known as the 'bullpen'. Looking towards his partner's office, he smirked and made a note to visit her after he put down his stuff. There wasn't really any new cases, strange cases, or any investigations for that matter so far this week. But then again, it was only…. Tuesday, any cases can pop up at anytime now and Harmon Rabb Jr. expected it to. _Or Webb could show up._ He shuddered at the thought. 

He quickly placed down his stuff, said a couple of quick 'Good mornings' and went into the office of Sarah Mackenzie, Lt. Colonel, USMC, Navy JAG corp. 

"Uh… Just put it down on the 'in' pile, Harriet. Thanks." Mac said not looking up from her paperwork. The she felt something rough and wet on her right cheek. The marine looked to her side and saw him. "Good morning, Commander. Sleep well? Oh, and you're late again."

"And who's fault would that be?" Harm stood up and looked at her mockingly.

"Hey, you're the one who wanted to sleep in. I tried to get your ass outta that bed."

"It's not my fault that I only slept about an hour." He smiled at her. The tough marine's cheeks were slowly turning red. She knew exactly what he was talking about. 

"What exactly did you want?" she inquired

"Well… to say good morning and that you have that lunch date you owe me from a while back."

"Sure. But no rabbit food."

Laughing, Harm left her office.

***

"Admiral, the Commander and the Colonel are here to see you sir."

"Send them in Tiner."

"People, have a seat."

The admiral handed each of them a folder containing their cases. "This morning, I got a call regarding a petty officer who had been charged with conduct unbecoming. You'll handle that Colonel." The admiral then turned to Rabb. "You, commander, will acting JAG while I'm gone on my holiday. This right here will be your workload. I expect it to be done by the time I get back. Is that understood?"

Rabb looked at the Mount Everest sized files on the top corners of the admiral's desk. He definitely has his work cut out for him.

"Aye aye sir."

"Good. Dismissed."

***  
  


0800  
Bethesda Hospital

"Excuse me. I'm looking for a P.O. 3rd Class Jeff Hartman. I was told that he had been admitted to Bethesda." Mac spoke to the nurse who pointed her to room 346 and left with a giggle. The file had spoke little about the petty officer and his crimes, so she decided to check him out before he left the hospital.

She opened the door to find a young man with a clipboard and lab coat and another man, presumably PO Hartman lying on a hospital bed. "How is he doctor?"

"Ah, Colonel Mackenzie I presume." He looked at her and back to his chart. "The petty officer suffered a… groin strain. He'll be out by the hour. We just needed to check for… other… injuries."

"If I may speak to my client sir."

"Of course. I'll leave you two alone." The doctor then clipped the clipboard back and left the room not before bursting out in laughter.

"Ooooooookay. So petty officer. Are you going to explain what happened?"

"It was a… dare… ma'am."

"A dare?" Mac cocked an eyebrow.

"Yes ma'am. The guys were taunting me about my ability to perform."

"Perform? Hartman, if you could not perform, the Navy would NOT have accepted you in the fi—

"Not that kind of perform ma'am." Hartman gestured his head towards the lower part of his body.

"Oh. I see." She said sighing, "Please continue."

"There was this Jacuzzi ma'am. At the hotel… Sorry ma'am it gets embarrassing from this point on."

"The way I look at it Hartman, you've already embarrassed yourself. But I'm the one you need to be telling this to. I'm your lawyer."

"Yes ma'am. Of course." The petty officer's face grew redder and swallowed the lump in his throat. "I uh… stuck it in ma'am."

"Excuse me?"

"Uh… Stuck it" he gestured again towards the lower part of his body, "into the uh… jet hole ma'am."

Mac was trying hard not to laugh and she now fully understood why the staff was chuckling on this man's behalf. 

"Then what…" She swallowed a laugh, "then what happened petty officer?"

"I uh… got stuck ma'am. I couldn't get … uh… it back out."

(A/N: True story, I saw it on Discovery Channel on day when I was flippin' through the channels.)

"Well… uh… Petty officer, I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you ma'am"

Mac gathered her things together and looked back at the petty officer. Like the doctor that treated him, she threw back her head and laughed when she closed the door.

***

1300  
JAG Headquarters

"Hey, ready for lunch?" Harm walked into Mac's office to see her resisting the urge to laugh while trying to finish the paperwork for her case. Then she looked up at Harm and couldn't stand it anymore a laughed out loud. 

His eyes widened at the site and quickly grabbed the paperwork that she was working on to take a look at. "He got it stuck in a jet hole in a Jacuzzi."

"Yeah… oh my god." Mac took in a large breath then bursting into laughter once again. "Only thing hurt was it, his large male ego and his pride." 

"He stuck it in a jet hole in a Jacuzzi." Harm was still wrestling with the idea of that happening. 

Bud was passing by when he saw the Colonel hunched over, pounding her fist on the desk while laughing hysterically. The commander was looking at the same file over and over again in disbelief. Curious, he entered the room.

"Sir, ma'am. Are you both alright?" he asked

"Yeah Bud… just… great." Mac said in fits of laughter.

Harm simply handed him the file folder containing the specifics of the incident. "Uh… sir?"

"It's alright Bud. The colonel and I are going out for lunch." The Commander said "And Bud?"

"Yes sir?"

"Get that report you were working on, on my desk asap."

"Aye aye sir."

A/N: well… it's been running through my head since the day I flipped to that Discovery Channel. Sorry if you don't understand the jokes and you find them offensive. I'd appreciate a review. This is Chapter 1. 


	2. Stuck what in?

A/N: Disclaimer's same as always. Thanks to caldosh for pointing the error out to me!

***

"So he says 'This injury's going to be life altering for him.'" Mac said in mid-chew, her Beltway burger in one hand, and her drink in the other. Harm laughed and grinned, still couldn't believe the petty officer actually did it. "So how's your mountain of work doing?"

"It could be better." He replied, thinking back to the never-ending pile of files and folders sitting on 'his' desk. The commander looked around him. It was a beautiful day outside so the two officers sat on a picnic table in a nearby park. The skies were blue with a white cloud here and there; the grass beneath was healthy and green. "At least I don't have a case with a petty officer with strong sexual urges to add to the previous cases like the bigamy, the peeping tom…"

"All right, all right, you made your point."

"I'm glad I have.  Anyways, I've got a ton of BUPERS to update, budgeting to submit to the admiral, plus, I've got cases I need to stamp."

"I guess you won't be up for dinner then tonight."

"Depends what we're having." A smile quickly took over Harmon Rabb Jr.'s face. 

"Well… it's my night to cook… I'm thinking pasta."

"Count me in."

"I thought you had too much work to do." Mac said

"No no, I thought YOU had too much work to do with your conduct unbecoming and all."

"1900?"

"Yep. Your place. Won't be late."

"Riiiiiiiiiight." Mac was already walking away with her trash in hand.

"No! Honest!" Harm shouted running after her.

***

1410  
JAG Headquarters

"Bud! Where's that report?" Harm barked when he entered the bullpen with his Marine partner close behind.

"Uh… Right here sir." Bud handed him the report and quickly went back to work. 

Harm continued to walk till he reached 'his' office. Tiner gave him a list of messages including an admiral that was checking in to see if all hell has broken loose yet. With a sigh he slunk into the admiral's comfy chair and flipped on ZNN. 

All right Rabb, You can do this. He thought to himself, okay, budgeting. Expenses… flight tickets… hotels… 

***

1922  
Mac's apartment

Mac was putting the final touches on the pasta and stuffed it into the oven when the doorbell rang. She quickly wiped her hands clean with a towel and opened the door.

"You're late." She said with a smile

"Oh I can hear you gloating now." Harm countered and gave her a single red rose. 

"Thanks." She placed a kiss on his cheek and proceeded to the kitchen. "Pasta's going to be ready in a few minute, have a seat." She then felt a pair of arms encircling her waist and leaned backwards.

"You missed." He kissed her on the lips and nibbled her neck.

"Mmmm…" she said dreamily "If you don't stop, our dinner will be burnt to a crisp inside the oven."

"Some romantic you are." Harm immediately let go of her and leaned against a counter. "So how's your case going?"

"Commander Danson offered to the petty officer, loss of pay and demotion to seaman." Mac said waiting for her pasta to be done. "The judge tried to contain herself and not laugh but she was unsuccessful. I told the Danson I would pass the offer on to the petty officer."

"It's a good offer, considering…" Harm reached over to grab the non-alcoholic wine beside the stove and poured out two glasses, one for Mac and one for himself.

"Yah, considering…" She giggled at the thought of the petty officer at the hospital. "Say, Harm, have you ever done something like that?"

"Like what?"

"You know."

"No… I don't know."

"Have you ever stuck… it… in somewhere?"

"Oh god, I can't believe you're actually asking me this."

"What? I'm curious."

Harm's face began to turn redder and redder. 

"Well um… I uh…" Suddenly, a loud beep started emanating from the oven. Mac eyed Harm once and opened the oven door, brought out the grilled pasta as he quickly went set the table, thankful for the interruption. And knowing Mac, the conversation wasn't over.

***

Around the same time  
Roberts' home.

"Can you believe the guy Harriet? He stuck it in…"

"That must be one of the funniest cases to do. How's the Colonel going to be serious during the trial?"

"I don't know hun, but I think she's going for an offer. But I still can't get over the fact that the petty officer stuck it in."

"Stuck what in Daddy?" AJ chirped in, poking his head into the kitchen to see if dinner was ready. 

"Uh…" The two lieutenants looked at each other and wondered how they would answer the little boy.

"Stuck his toys inside the… toy chest AJ."

"The petty officer stuck his toys in a toy chest daddy? Isn't that what you're suppose to do?"

"Yah hon, that's what you're suppose to do." said Harriet, restraining from laughter and left Bud to answer the questions and tended to the dinner.

"But why is the petty officer getting in trouble for it?"

"Well honey, the toys went into the wrong… chest."

"Why? What's wrong with it?" 

"Uh…" Bud was speechless. AJ was going through the ask-about-everything stage of his life. 

"Yeah honey, what's wrong with it?" Harriet asked Bud, teasing him. 

"Well… there's a certain way that the toys go in… a chest and… this chest was too small for the toy… and… uh… well it got stuck in the chest and couldn't get it back out."

"So did he finally get it back out?"

"Uh… yeah he did actually."

"But you said it was stuck."

"It _was_ stuck, you see these… toy… rescuers… came to… save the toy from the chest."

"Oh… okay." AJ said and went to play with his train set.

Bud breathed in relief, thankful that the question and answer period was over. He looked over to Harriet over at the sink and saw a smug look on her face.

"Toy rescuers?" She asked

"What? Like you could have done better."

"Yeah, but… Toy rescuers?"

Bud just shook his head and returned to peeling the potatoes.

A/N: How was it? I dunno… Pls review!


End file.
